hAFiDz MeNULiS

Have fun the straight sword

2011-07-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

its2010 ...

2010-12-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

its a perfect timing for end year blog ... ya well i'm not much of a blogger myself but u know my tweets are always around.

So its been a year since my comeback to Bandung after spending around 2 years in Jakarta searching experience or just put it simply living my own life. Turned out, from my minimal 5 years of staying in Jakarta things changed .. into only 2 years. Got myself a trouble that made me leave Jakarta ... Its a problem so strong that made me leave what i've been building there. oh well you know, shit happens!

So back in Bandung and things had to be start all over again. I leave Jakarta means i leave my work, so i have to came up with a new one in Bandung. Was trying to work with the gov again, but i know how they worked so only kept me for 2 months top. Wushu coaching had to be start all over again (since i love this so much, its been the beat of my life so far), lucky me i have some friends that could help me get my hobby back on track.

me and my Bandung Friends early 2010

its been great, day by day i could stay and build up my confident again. To be honest i am so depressed back then (early january 2010) i even write a gibberish on it. So the plan is simple, get my feet back in 2010 ... I was determined to keep moving forward!

So here some recap:

Wu-Class is great had no problem and its building awsomely and hopefully better in 2011

Had an offer to coach wushu in Rebel Gym, and the owner gave me a chance to work there as a supervisor of the place, i took it and doing fine dispite still doing many mistakes on the way, but I will keep moving forward and try to be better all the time.

Was giving an option to get back into athlete but rejected it right away since its not worth the time and life :p

Going back coaching in Bandung International School is one of the best thing that happened in 2010, what can I say I like the place so much, I like the community there, it gives me lots of valuable life lessons. This time I will not leave them like I did several years ago before going to Jakarta.

I went trough 2010 building my life from scratch in Bandung and so far its going as I planned. Lets just hope in 2011 things will get better. One thing for sure, I surely will not leave this place.

Mine are great and hope all of you are great too ... Happy new year 2011 everyone ... chears!!!

the Rebel Gym Community and Me

Another stance "pu bu"

2010-11-04T00:13:00.000-07:00

bandung Wushu Team 2010 Chinese New year Teaser Video

2010-09-14T02:11:00.000-07:00

Tweets about me - stand by my own decision!

2010-08-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

This is some of my tweets that I need to be blogged so someday I will look back and see my history!

This tweets made two days ago from the date of this blog.

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Today the west java province had their so called "selectioned" which were made to make their regional wushu team!
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The funny thing is ... The athletes are the earlier competitor from the previous competition.
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The winner from the earlier cmptition was spposed to be slected as the rgional team! Which beg the question y do they need anther selection?
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Which the result of the selection just the same as the prev competition!
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btw the correct term is team trials! ...
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So the conclusion is: the west java province has made a worthless team trials yesterday eve
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Beside, they've made a sudden notice about the trials which made all the athletes surprised and unprepared!
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Anyhow
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Just when I'm about to leave the venue, I was held back and questioned by the leaders of west java province wushu org
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It looks like they were implicitly wanted me to be an athlete and be their team again for the upcoming competition.
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The problem is, I've already filed a resignation letter to the sport committee of west java province a couple of years ago.
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Yes I've made a sane clear decision of my resignation as an athlete ... Because of what? ... Many things
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I think resign ur self out of something is ur right ... They could not accept it ofcourse and re-bargained and ask me to stay ...
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Ofcourse I was to sane to say that ur shit out of luck I'm out!
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Just say that I want to lived my wushu life far from the bureaucracy and enjoy the sport while I still can
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Hence my decision stays the same until today ... I am resigning from being an athlete ...
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But I do have my own philosophy which stated that even if I'm not an athlete, it doesn't mean that I stopped doing wushu!
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To me learning/enjoying wushu doesn't have any relation with being an athlete at all ...
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But yeah u could always enjoy wushu by being an athlete ... Its not about being an athlete ... Its about enjoying wushu it self to be exact
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anyway so let's get back to the real issue again ... where was I ?
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So when they ask me where my stance is? ... As said: I stand by what I've said and clearly make my choice (which is you know .. RESIGNED)
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I can't help but to notice the face of the chairman of west java wushu org ... He had this "I don't like you" kind of face
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It looks like my resignation earlier couple of years ago made him angry
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On that matter I wanted to say to him: "u don't trust me while I'm being an athlete, why would you not trust me for NOT being an athlete"
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Its his problem if he needs a more capable athlete who could compete with the rest of indonesia on the national level.
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I've been there done the best I could, obviously my last competition I give not such a bad result!
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I was not trusted even when I'm practicing and never skip any training and to the level I even drop out of univ
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And give west java a bronze on the prestigious PON XVII Kaltim and made an out standing victory over the world champion on his best play
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Surely I do my best! Maybe not a gold ... But my effort are my best I could give!
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And now I wanted to quit and they still don't like me! ... Call me idiot but this has gone way to far for me!
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Besides ... On the next PON there will be no straight sword / spear event ... Which is my specialty ...
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Which coincidentally strengthen my resignation ...
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Anyway ... Before I watched the team trials today I do have a doubt
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I do have this feeling if I watch the trials ... I do have to face this so called leaders! ... And I do know I have to make a statement!
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And the statement is: its been said and done in a perfect sane, I will stand by what I've said, it was a clear decision!
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The next issue is: being the teams coach!
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This has been hard. I do like to be a coach but if they still don't trust me I can't do it ... This is also as difficult as before
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To me, by resigning as an athlete, my position as a coach is wide open. That's because I'm no longer an athlete!
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I can't be an athlete and coach at the same time right!
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But it seams that my resignation as an athlete to THEM means that I can't also be a coach ... This is damn stupid!
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The second problem of being the team coach is ... Because the earlier coach still exist and frankly I can't cooperate with him.
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What can I say, we just not on the same head! I just can't work with him ...
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So there u go ... I also leave the coach team to whoever they wanted ... Which means I also leave the decision to be the team's coach!
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Now ... I'm just gonna live wushu with my own way, my own place, my own rules .... My own WUSHU!
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Hopefully I will at least happier this way ... I just had to be responsible and ofcourse knowing the consequences of my decision.
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I told u yesterday will be hard for me ... But at least I just passed it by ...
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Now is the new day ... I will move on!
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Somehow these tweets meant a lot for me :)

Relaxed week in Majalaya

2010-07-12T09:16:00.001-07:00

This will be one of my special blog that goes to the family who let me enter their home trustfully in one week. Its been a privilege for me to be accepted as for who I am. Its hard to find people who trust you no matter what.

My intention was just to have a relaxed week and this spot provide me with one. It might have been a boring week for other but it really is a relaxing week for me...

•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸ °•·· τнäиκ чöü ··•° •̸Ϟ•̸-̶ very much for the opportunity to let me see how wonderful ur family is. The connection between the parents and their children is tight. I do believe that I see a caring, loving, and trusting parents. Doing everything for their family. Truly, to me this family is one of the family I wanted to be in the future. Thank you for letting me see how a family should be.

Again .. ° • · ♥·♡ τнäиκ чöü ♥·♡ · • ° ☺ τhαñk ϔσù ²✗

About winning ....

2010-07-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

This past few months I've been giving a voluntary wushu coaching to my fellow friends in Bandung. I said friends because they are just more then just a wushu training fellow of mine in the past but also close friends on the way. They have variety of age from young to same old as mine.

The main coach are my fellow athlete in the past and now share the same decision as mine which was not competing for official competition anymore. For me simply because that I'm not wanting to be stressed of have to win the competition whilst lack of support from the leader of the gov. Hence i just do wushu for my own hobby. Since they (the main coach) was the official coach of the team, I don't wanna destroy what was already there so I just ended up being voluntary unpaid happy coach :p. This however have reasons by it self.

So, 5 months is my active coaching on them. Making individual coaching and good programs for some following issues:

lack of physical conditioning (i'm more unto speed and explosions)
lack of weapons "current" technique as refer to "old" technique as like in 1997 something.
lack of flow, rhythm, full awareness of the whole set of routine.
for some ... lack of confidence.

in 5 months these issue was cleared. I'm fully aware such things not always be recognized by most coach but I'm sure every coach had their own experience that inflict their own way of coaching. I, on the other side just trying to say that i have my own way of coaching and if u guys except it we might make it :p.

Many of my way of coaching start with individual emotional state. I sometimes figure out myself why some athletes are not that hype when they are at training. So, sometimes i give them more input more then the other but not making it too special as it will make the other student jealous. But, i tend to always communicate with everyone why i do something more unto someone so they could get the reason, that way they understand why i did coaching more onto some certain athlete more. Giving an open communication is the key of all.

One of the key things i always rewinds throughout the learning process is I AM NOT STRIVING THEM ON THE GOLD! this is what i always kept them in mind. Some of the other coach might not agree with this but this is ultimately important for me. Yet they look that they are accepting this idea, they claim it ease their burden and more focus on the training and enhance more unto them self via the training.

We constantly talking about who are we going to face in the competition, why he/she is good etc and how do we overcome that. I manage to stay focus no matter how hard it is to train them. Amazingly they became so confident, stronger, faster then they are from the last 5 months, we also constantly having a competition simulation so they are getting used to the competition atmosphere.

So here we are on to the day of the competition. We however can only play as best as we could, enjoy every game that we played, stay focused and trust our self that we have been trained well and maximum. We are able now to compete with other athletes on the competition (there were some gap of diff technique, power and speed before). We don't know how the judges will give their score on us (to some certain point my students doesn't really care about the result, they just want to give their best). It turned out to be their (the team aka my students) best play after all, i sometimes amazed how they have a very strong confident on the play. And looks like the judges agree.

We, out of 6 gold available got 5 and a silver .... but again those medals are plain metal ... is not the medal that we count, its the effort, its the confident, its the way of thinking, its the level of our self that we could upgrade, its how we could give our best, its how we could be better then we are from the past.

We always realized we were happy because we are winning this, it might felt different if we are loosing. But, I wanted that it would felt the same, again remember that i want them to value the result of their training, not the metal they could win. But i also realize there will always a disappointment upon loosing ... i just dont want that considered as the end of the world ... i always kept it simple when we loose ... "just keep on practicing more, maybe the judges wanted to see more" .... hahahahaha

Should also blog about the condition of the competition an all ... there are some disappointment from other team as they are felt as they were being discourage in the competition and the judges are too much in favor to us. BUT TO BE HONEST, we dont know how the judges give score on us we honestly dont know .... we could only play as best as we could. We just hope that the other team understand that ....

Anyway I write this because i think i need to expressed this to other how we are just trying to be ourself and we hope everyone as well ... i know is hard, but life never been easy ... so why dont u put a smile and keep trying .... :)

ma bu

2010-06-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

another stance i like "ma bu"
@itshafidz

current activities

2010-06-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

its holiday soon ... or already starting for many .. me .. its a bit of a yes and no :)

so here to talk about my current activities. But, before that let me sum up the past activities:

wushu activities : its been a year since my formal retirement from wushu athlete. Which i decide because i wanted to do more wushu freely without any consent pressure from competitions.
work also off this year due to the company issues.
wushu coaching been off from jakarta starting this year.

so what the current situation then:

wushu activities : starting my own training (i really wanted to have coach to guide me on some traditional wushu i wanted to learn). Sadly its hard to find one so as usual I'm turning my head over youtube :p
work : there's a few offer from friends but mostly not that easy on the economical benefit, but worth the try. We starting off with some open source project which is implemented on some government sector (which we have some issue now) and it looks like its growing to non gov which is good :P
wushu coaching: have started to promote to some schools in Bandung area so maybe after summer i will be a bit busy again. Back to coaching in the International School again and had a great welcome from the students and teachers :)

been also preparing this newbie athlete for their love of wushu. I just try to give them new idea of training and thinking so they will not that pressed by the competition and still came up with a good wushu. to be honest bandung does not have such quality coach .... I'm not saying that I am, its just that I'm just trying as best as I could because it seems that my experience is more of what they need most.

hopefully i could write some more stuff since I'm not such a good blogger :p ...

Moving my WUSHU skills ...

2010-04-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

sits been a while so i'm a bit rusty ... but here it goes wushu with hafidz flavour on it :)

I just did this after i coach the guys :) .. got a bit hyped up seeing them getting better ... yey!!!

Chinese New Years Eve wushu show

2010-02-13T23:28:00.000-08:00

All I wanted to do this year is to have a blast wushu show ... Yes and I've been given that chance ... Was an awsome show. I even play 5 in a show its a record for me hahahahaha usually I only do 1 or 2, but this time ... 5 ..
The show was coming from my friend a fellow former wushu athlete from Bandung, my origin town. She booked me since last december for the show @chinese new year eve ...
She wanted me to also help for the choreograph and the songs etc ... I am in a hype position to in my honour to help her ... So I did.

The show was just a celebration for the chinese people in town at the eve sponsored by some famous restaurant in town.
For me this show was never about the fee. Its about the passion that I had to the sport. Being able to show wu-moves in front of the chinese was a pleasure for myself knowing that I am not chinese at all. Showing them the best wushu I could ever do at them was essential for me.
And last night was a success ... Its been years since I play with my fellow wushu friends in bandung .... Going to jakarta had its own high and low, and to be honest I had the lowest just now (early 2010) ... So the show was more then just a blast it was one of the healer for my feelings ... Keeps me going on to do even more in the future, strife and get more excited to do things and never give up.
But maybe the hard job was payed worthy ... I get payed doubled from what I've imagined (I did never mention how much I get payed ... I just said "yes I will help u guys and have fun !!! " ... And was question before everybody in the room which I'm sure 99% of them are chinese ... The Host asked me "sorry, are chinese?" .... It struck me because that was a daring question in fron of all who are chinese and in a celebration of chinese new year ... I said "NOPE, I'm not!" ... The host greeted me and ask all the audience an applause ... Which they did ... And explain that me learn things that are not originally from indonesia and said to them that its a bless and the chinese should learn them even more ...
Its a daring question in such occasion ... I was struct by it ... But hope that it was for a good intention. In any way, I learn wushu because it is good an teaches me a lot ... And hopefully the audience see me loving it trough my moves ...
Overall ... Was a good show ... Was a great experience ... Was way loving it ... Will always remember this trough all the years of my life ....
Was perfect from the day we plan the show till the end. Once more I just wanted to say " thanks my friends!!!"

The Cat!!!

2010-02-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

So here is what I carry to practice ... And also had this cat before I'm gone ... They kinda like the spot!!!
Need not to worry tho, the cat is saved.

The Dog!!!

2010-02-10T11:48:00.000-08:00

Cute dog eee ...

me myself and I

2010-01-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

Not meant to be so selfish tho, it looks like somehow it is not easy to just be with anybody. I've been given up everything to anybody just like that. Been given ideas, been given spirit, be given hope. its true that yes I've made mistake quite some or maybe a lot, but nobody is perfect. its been a rough month for me. trully this year start up pretty bad.

I can only hope to see a better day tomorrow. Been given options by my mom. Yes its true I'm getting older by seconds and so does every living creatures in the planet. Mom said I have to "grow up", and she's right. But things are allready going which I cant stop just yet. But, they do have expire date. So I will wait till then.

Works sucks, I do cherish the oportunity of working there tho. Let's just say the place is not for me anymore although I still run the server ... hahahaha .... hence "the work" is not my primary thoughts anymore.

So what then?

- Wushu will always be my life, from now own, i run things by my own, bringing wushu by my own definition. Wushu is wushu, its a sport that has soul, spirit, meaning, which meant wushu will never be empty. I will always tell people and ofcourse myself that wushu is always facinating, fun, awsome in its way. If those who learn with me does not agree, then I'm not in a position to be the one who will tell. Maybe I'm not your type of wushu coach, u might need to seek someone else. But if you agree, then I give my best.

- Life, for now I'd be on my own. 2010 will be a new journey on its own.
- Work, I'm going to try my former student offer "introducing open source products among educational institutions". Funny tho, I was the one who always say that at my student, now he is the one who eager for me to do it for him. Life is facinating.
- Home, will try Bandung - Jakarta since the offer is in Bandung.

Its been a hectic month, a strugle of emotional and mental mixed cause of a past things. No dought it has slap me very hard, damn it even knocked me out, wish everybody knew how that felt .... literally crushed. If somebody would ask me have I had a stress ... I'd say yes!

Fear not tho, I've learn to grow, and on the process, decisions have been made, questions have been answered. All I know is to always be ready again, because problems will be more in the future thus decisioning is crucial then ever, questions will always flow even harder, thus made answering them will be a lot trickier ....

all I can do .... is to learn more .... life will always be a mistery, it can never reveal it self that easy, we have to earned it. Everything.....happens for a reason!

Gibberish

2010-01-14T06:42:00.001-08:00

When it hurts, it hurts real bad
A good deed was sometimes interpreted as the opposite
Wishing became so important
Bleed and left forgotten
Minds might have their own way
Definition had become abstract
Its hard to keep it simple
Its hard to keep it save
Its just done
Its hard to forget as it craved to your heart so well
Marks that will not go away
It might not be mention
It will only flashes ....
It will hunt you for many times
It became an eternal wounds
A hole that was so big u can't patched
A mark that was so obvious u can't erase
Its a sign of a travel
A travel of life
Filled with colors
That sometimes flashes so bright
So bright that sometimes blinded you
Or so light u can never see them
Pass trough them ... Unseen
No more hope as it might seen ...
It will only happened so
The result of a cause
It will only be carried
And lived

Winning is always make oneself happy ... Right?

2009-12-27T01:12:00.001-08:00

Hi, back from a somewhat supposed to be a Wushu National Competition which me and my students tried to participated in.

We did. Only a four of us.... And we did take some result. 3 golds and 1 bronze, 1 gold girl nan dao, 2 gold boys jian shu and qiang shu, and 1 bronze girls nan gun.

The interesting story is not about the golds nor any medals. Its the response of the winning ....

Yes, I am not a gold chaser and had never teach so. But, had never felt unhappy to have one. Which the same with my students. But it is true that being a winner always had that joy feelings.

We participate and then we won, well so do most other people. Sometimes when our students won we had that glitter on our eyes ... A feeling of trembling on our head and overwhelming fear of doing mistake. Some are trying to get that pride of being a coach and don't want to loose face ... But that's what we know as damnly wrong...

For me the joy of winning goes to those who deserved it, that goes to the individual, a result of self passion and hardwork. But the biggest part for me is for individual who could survives self fear.

Wushu regardless of the political situations and any unnecessarily side like judges are just a small part of the current competition... Its the feeling of joy playing them that counts for me.

So happy itself was a relative meaning ... So you win, are u happy?
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Sinyal Bagus XL, Nyambung Teruuusss...!

a little here and there ...

2009-12-12T06:28:00.001-08:00

its the end year allready guys and times is always ticking and we passed them all the time. Its down to counting up the last days of this years and head on the next year. . . . . its the exact thing we did last year ... :P

So we've been up to something, taking up some to another competition, practicing them even more, having fun....

so we're going to go to Puncak again this new year celebration. Its the similiar thing to the last one with more wushu in each morning ... going to have some more fun and hopefully we could have more benefit in the future ...

oh have I mention I'm not with Gogi anymore??? its a bit of a story of my life ... :) we'll see i if i could share the stories ... in a more neutral way which we'll not going to push the other places down ... its kinda needed these days :)

trying out ping.fm

2009-12-02T03:58:00.001-08:00

Nevermind me guys. Just trying out ping.fm features . . .

what happened lately ...

2009-11-25T07:37:00.000-08:00

Been very long ...
Anyway. So been unproductive lately nothing is done too much. Workplace is officially "suck" these days (or months). Wushu was ok somewhat. Getting a bit of a jumping exercises last week, I CAN STILL JUMPS but then wushu was not all about jumps are they :P.

Was going trough my fav form (dong bei quan / back trough boxing). Was going to copy someone elses form instead since I dont have anyone here teach me that. The drunken sword was postponed since I can only learn 1 at a time.

Need to find something else that keeps me going trough life ... I just keep on rolling and rolling and rolling and rolling ....

Another me ... sometime in the past year ...

2009-11-13T06:24:00.000-08:00

Looking at my videos up when I'm still intense training ... this is me last year ...

Meet my mom

2009-10-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

me, my mom, and the pink ribbon

Because this month is the Breast Cancer Awareness Month I put the ribbon on my mom's picture and me who I took couple of weeks ago. Believe it or not its the first time since my past 25 years living in this World that I have my mom's picture taken with me.

Silly of Me aswell who never know my mom's birthday until this very moment (I just called her ...duh!!!) ... she is 47 years old now. Had live trough many things, this include her breast cancer couple of years ago.

My mom and dad got devorce quite so long ago as I posted on my earlier blog. A tragic things that happen to every couple left their child (if they had one) in a very unstable emotion (so far many had the same feelings). Since then my mom live by her own.

Live by her own as in only doing things alone, namely changing the roof when the rains invade our house, climb the rambutan tree and throw down at me down below because she wont let me climb the tree and let her alone get up there (do your mom ever do that .. not all I believe). She manage almost everything on her own including only relying on her beauty saloon as her occupation and pay all my school tuition ... was really amazing how she did it if I think about it now.

Years gone by (around 10 years) finally she had a crush on a Guy. A guy who I thought could replaced my Fatherly figure who was gone. I was wrong! Was constantly arguing in the house for every simple matters that occur in the house until one day decided not too much communicating between the two of us...until today. Less argue had happen since then... we all good now ... we have nothing to argue anyway ...hehehhe.. Life moves on.

Anyway back to my mom who then one day complaint about her having some sort of a bump on her right side breast, a simple bump WHO EVERY BODY SHOULD CARE ABOUT ... its the cancer who keep growing and spreading through the back at that moment. We were so having zero knowledge to what it is until its late and grown so fast spread all the way to the back.

As a villagers in Indonesia who also believe in some superstitions ... My mom was seeking to the one "who know many things". It worked a bit ... some of the tumor cause by the cancer was taken away from the back thus leaving only in the front whom was mistakenly understand as healed.

A few years afterwards the pain was again step by. This time it was spreading throughout the front right breast. My mom was constantly drinking this herb which I dont know what the name was... The herb was good as it can clear her lung and diagnose as non smoker by the doctor while she is a smoker. I believe was the herb was the one who also keep the cancer not to spread out more to her body.

The herb was not helping trough the pain though. She often cries every night trying very hard to hold the pain that grow, which by then the side of the breast was already open up making a hole of stink flesh (until now I never seen it since I cant stand seeing such wound). The herb was killing the cancer but also eating up the flesh along with it. The pain was seen so awful as in you cant go to sleep and scream every night just to hold up all the pain even if you have a pain killer.

At last we have opening and finally getting some aid to go to hospital (yes we dont have money just to go to hospital). The doctor was shock to see the wound cause by the cancer, he never seen such case of cancer. He decided to have my mom to have a chemotherapy around 7 dose of chemotherapy. My mom was anxious about it (while other was worried getting one . . my mom is anxious ... :P). There she goes and happily getting chemotherapy as nothing was in her way. I remember just once taking her to the hospital because she was nervous of never ever been in hospital for herself. The next day and afterward she just went alone (she is a warrior after all). The effect of the chemotherapy was nothing to her ... she even went bold because of it, was throwing up a lot after taking the pills gave by the doctor but then she ate more afterward saying what goes out will be replaced. While other was getting help just to walk out the chemotherapy room, she was walking happily out just like nothing had happened. This made me realize how before was so painful taking that the chemotherapy was nothing compare to it.

The chemotherapy went a success and the doctor said that she just needed to go through radiation therapy afterward. She went on it about 40-50 times if I'm not wrong and later the doctor decided that the wound and the cancer was healed.

She went back home and life moves on. I remember how she love plants afterward, plants many things, she could even sweep the floor, get back up opening her saloon again. Was so relieving back then to see her getting up as a champion.

What I learn about her winning was not only because of her medication, but the biggest part was her determination, her willing to get health, and part of it was the spirit given by the sorrounding. Not much who were out winning as this disease might come back again in the future but I hope they will never return.

Its enough to see her scream in pain. Its time to see her in smile :)

pu bu

2009-10-02T00:02:00.001-07:00

I like this stance now ... dont know why ....

a year ago ...

2009-09-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

Its around 10 more days to finish the fast since I am a mosleem, since day 1 till today I am still on my fast. I am quite used to have fast so yes, I am capable of doing in 30 days. 10 more days and I will have to go to my home town to visit and celebrate the "Idul Fitri" day with my parents.

There's an episode last year that went trough my mind and totally unaware that its almost a year it happened. And I have not ever share the moment have I? Nope! no record of its what so ever.

I am grown from a divorce parents live with my Mom till I get older. My dad was some one I dont really know more then Just a dad when I was a little boy (I can only remember very little about Him). Was around 3 or might be 2 years old that my dad left me. Leaves me no clue what happened all I know was that He is never around me anymore. At such a young age I am not really that effected as in still affected but, not that much.

All I can remember is that when I was 12 years old at the moment, I never saw my dad since he left us. Take a granted I even don't recognized his face that much. So I went to my father's brother's place seeking a clue where can I find my father. He gave a clue or even more, its the workplace of my father, I was told not to go to his house (knowing he already married again) because it might cause some trouble, that I agree.

For the first time I saw my father again, I do recognize his face due to 2 reasons. 1 there's no one else, 2 I am not alone to meet him, there's my sister who can recognized Him. We were not having a real conversation since I dont know what to talk about. I just wanted to see him u know, chatting was not my real purpose. Its sometimes just seeing his face was enough for me at that time.

Times flown away and since that day I also never seen him, until last year.

I am so ashamed of myself that I still have a grand mother who loves me when I was a little boy and I never ever get to see her in a long time. So I have and idea of going there and meet her. I did, and I love the way she treated me no different since I was a kid. She makes the same cake, the same meal. All just looks the same.

I didn't realize that on that day, my father was also there (a crazy coincidence) not alone, but also with his wife and children. This made me realized that I have a step brother and sister all this time. Was greated his wife but my father was no where to be found.

In the afternoon, I met him eventually by accident because he thought I was going back home already, He was hiding someplace before which made me not realizing that He is there. I rushed and sit in front of him. Sadly to know he didn't even smile back at me, yet He seems confuse, His face is empty.

I dare myself to chat after all this years and spill all my feeling at Him yet he still stood, frozen and put a dead face in front of me. I lower myself and forced myself to make an eye contact with him. I was thinking if this is a coincidence then I will make this as the one and only coincidence that made all things clear. I'm a grown man, and I know that I've lost a father figure for so long and this will be the moment to figure it out. I am not afraid of losing a father anymore since it was quite a while that I dont have any.

So there I dare my tongue to spill all I wanted to say at him. After many things I have spoken at Him I then said "Father, I am your son, you are my father, I just wanted to say that you will always be my father in every way. In every way even though you said that I am not your son anymore!" this comes because he replied after all of my arguments with one single line "You are no longer my son, It was back then and different Today, you must leave, it is not a good time right know!".

I then concluded that not a good time refers to His current wife being around. But the part that I am not his son anymore is what makes me shocked. There's no such things as former son. But then because I dont want to make any riot in the place I just closed with the last line I said earlier.

The meeting with my dad last year made me a better person in life. I know that human could have problems in their life and I say that there's no exceptions my dad included. The problem is not about what's the problems are, is how you can handle them. By not mad at my father and let go of him after that day I know that it might be for better reason. My father wanted to have a new life knowing that before He ruined it. He then forget me and my sister despite we can always meet him every time if we wanted. But that might be His solution to his problem. If I carry on sad about me being not having dad or something, I realized some other people have worst scenario. By let him go I am relieved. I am relieved because I said something so important at Him that I always wanted to say and its done.

This year I am marking my first year of that episode. Who knows I will met him again, and maybe he smiled back at me.

More Candles

2009-08-21T09:17:00.001-07:00

I just finished coaching some Wushu for my Australian students at their home and took a pictures of this candles off their pool ...

these I take with my psp camera as always ... I like the colour more even though its not as good as the above one ...

If u get close u can see all the wrappings ...

Night view of my workplace ...

2009-08-20T06:08:00.000-07:00

Just getting some fresh air outside and take a shot of the sky .. ehm!! ... building ... mines are ... somewhere up there ... oh and Jakarta is always this crowded ...

a couple of weeks later ....

2009-08-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

the stories continues a couple of weeks later ... the feeling hasn't been better. Somehow i have to get over things by means of get rid of all the problems even just a sec and tried to pulled it off on other things ... I'm starting to think about other activities i can go ... I need wushu practice so I will find some friend who I can train with. I did call some of my friend and arrange some time to train together. Sometimes just doing wushu makes me forget all my problems, again even just a few hours, and if this is not enough I will find some other things to do ... some dance avtivity maybe (thingking of salsa or hip hop ... :P) ...

Just couple of days ago I moved to a better place, now we have air conditions in our room (brrr....). Its located even more inside of the area, but seems more comfortable then my first place. My friend ask me to stay together in the room, so now I have a roomate. Good considering I will pay half the price by mean its cheaper.

Because of the problematic issue couple of weeks earlier I'm so having a bad sleeping habit which in return I need to work hard even more to repay them. I need to get back in shape, gain more confident. Get over things more quickly than before.

The things that I have to decide are:
1. Im going solo or still in a wushu group?
2. Decide some problematic issue with teaching wushu in some places (british international school, daan mogot mall wushu)

the second one was decided with a very regretful personal feelings that i have to leave my dearest students (this has always been the hardest part). Yes, I've decided not to teach at the places any more.

The first one on the other hand was a bit hard. It just that I have to get ready to forget everyone if I decided going solo. I've been to attached too the community ... this is the problematic issue i have mentioned earlier. Anyway i've been getting more input from my friends who know more about the issue though.

This is my voice from the heart ... its written to hopefully ease my personal feelings. Any comments is always welcome.

Me past few weeks ...

2009-08-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

There are lots of things that i really wanted to write about this couple of weeks acctually. I had some issues with myself and kind of a bit stressed last couple of weeks but getting better now as i have shared some with my friends .. i guess sharing always help us out.

I had a coffee problem aswell so I ended up reading this http://www.talkaboutcoffee.com/how_much_is_too_much.html ... Now I know that getting more than 2 cups will be bad, and always get 2 clear fresh water after a cup is a must (for me) ... ahaaa...

I miss doing wushu with my friends .. so I will somehow think about seeing them and practice together. All i do now is just a simple training (it was just move here and there to be honest ... ) right outside my rent house in Jakarta (its a rent room to be more specifically said ...) in every possible time I could on my daily activities (which is not much ...). The works is not bothering me at all though ...

I have been having issues with my wushu folks ... namely because we had a different view of things with mmhh lets say "working" with wushu ... I do some research (ask here and there .. digging some info) about this and I have a few hints myself. I've been going with the guys who are known to have the issue for quite a long time (I do believe that they are not aware of the situation even if they read this post. Not because they know it but probably because they dont realized it ... many people just dont realize how people think of them even my self is the one. But getting the same info from several people with the same thing upon their act ... kinda bugged sometimes, it made me think over and over about it.

Anyway I have made a decision about it and they knew it (hopefully). Its a hard decision but I have to do it ... many parents buzzed me trough out the day saying that they heared all the rumor and all ... anyway I think i explain quite fair to them ... its for the best and never for the worst.

I know I've been saying things so unclear but hey, its a bit personal to talk about it. Writing this is to me could ease my stress a bit ...

so ...

I also doing some narcissistic photo with my webcam so ...

Was also visiting a students who has long stop doing wushu and meet their parents (was always great keeping in touch with them) yesterday ... late ... but I made it.

Was watching Harry Potter and Up two weeks in a row ... I even watch Harry Potter twice. Up is a great movie i say ... YOU ALL MUST WATCH IT.

I need to get my wushu skill back so I will make them back ... :P

fahmi is angry when he is hungry ....

2009-07-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

candle to shine ur path ....

2009-07-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

its cruel ...

2009-07-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

Its cruel too see the bombing in Indonesia just now. My workplace just right next to the bombing area .. the JW Marriot Hotel and the Ritz Carlton Hotel. Strangely enough that those hotels has a very tight security among others. I guess terrorist had its own way to get in the building. The local news said that the terrorists are staying at the hotel and build the bom inside ... Looks like they had a way to get trough after all.

From my oppinion, the location of the neigberhood is a rounded space filled with a very important building such as the embassy from many countries also reside there. Looking trough how this area is very important, supposeably the area had to be guarded heavely, sadly no such has been done exept the security on its individual building .. then again I might be asking too much for such things ...

Anyway, Looking how terrible this in the future (economical situations, the fact that MU(Manchester United) will not come to Indonesia and spice the whole country with their soocer). I am in my deepest heart is so sorry to all the victims and may all be peace in heaven. No respect what so ever to the bomber and their accomplished, they're WRONG and never RIGHT.

Trip To Jogjakarta, central java, Indonesia

2009-07-04T01:40:00.000-07:00

The Borobudur Temple ....

Start with the long walk ...

and goes up ....

First view ...

The Gate Keepers ...

Wish could tell all the stories drawn on each wall on each floor ...

A little blur action ....

Finally the top of the temple ..... nice views ...

and of course some WUSHU action with friends ... hehehehe ...

2009-06-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

Band: Gigi
Title: Ya ya ya

Akulah sempurna / I am the perfect one
Akulah idaman / I am the desired one
Aku yang kau cari / I am what you looking for
Aku yang penuhi / I am who will fullfill

Kau tahu semua itu / You do know all that
Kau pun tak merasakannya / You dont feel that also
Kau pun tak mengakuinya / You dont admit that also
Terima saja terima / Just take it

Menunggu itu bosan / Waiting is boring
Bosan yang mengusikkanku / Bored which annoys me
Coba saja kau merasakan / Just try that you feel it
Terima saja terima / just take it

Reff:
Apa sih yang kau tunggu / What is it that you wait for
Apa sih yang kau mau / What is it that you want
Langsung saja / get straight
Coba katakan ya / try saying yes
Coba katakan ya / try saying yes
Coba katakan kau setuju / try saying yes

Kau pikir aku sampai / You think i get there
Kau pikir aku sabar / You think I'm patient
Langsung saja / get straight
Coba katakan ya / try saying yes
Coba katakan ya / try saying yes
Coba katakan ya / try saying yes

Sometimes you just loved the home rock band :P

Love to eat this

2009-06-18T11:26:00.001-07:00

A View from the office .....

2009-06-11T00:55:00.000-07:00

Just take a snap off the office .... its about to rain ... again ...

Inspired by Fahmi's trailer .... :p

2009-06-09T00:36:00.000-07:00

Ok this is me inspired by Fahmi's trailer ...

Fahmi Nugra

2009-06-08T02:00:00.000-07:00

Just take a visit to this young fellow. Which his home was quite far away from mine. Had a very interesting conversation with his parents. Due to late visit I had to stay for one night at his house and leave early in the morning afterward ... I still had to go to work you know!!! ... hehehehe

So I think he had such a fine talents, I always love how kids are enjoying their wushu very much. I gave him all my wushu videos so he could watch as much as he could and somehow get inspired by all the greatest wushu player out there.

Very tired

2009-06-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

After staying up all night yesterday and work on my personal web based wushu simulation scoring system. I finally had some decent sleep at 10am the next day and finally waking up at 4 and continue to coach wushu as ussual. Not really that hyped due to lack of sleeping the day before ... but I will make a commitment to do better next week ... i have to stop having this sleep disorder ... is not healthy in any way.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Let start ...

2009-06-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

Learn how to write ... about things ... hopefully i could ensure my own self that i could write things that could interest other ... but before i could interest other i have to interest myself ... hopefully this is a good start ...